It’s January 10th, 2021. I haven’t posted in two months because . . . where do I start?

Our country is like a raging alcoholic Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. There are two sides of us and BOTH are our true identity. Both sides are there whether we drink or not; but the drink brings out the beast in both of us. It seems that we’re drinking because it feels good in the moment, but in the long term it is making all our problems worse. Our country has been binge drinking on power and the image of success for so long that we seem to have forgotten that a body can’t live without food and water. That we need the basics in order to survive. That almost NO person is truly self sufficient and that we do, in fact, need other people. But the bottle makes us feel deeply, makes us laugh or cry loudly, and makes us argue passionately. It impairs our vision and makes us feel invincible. And every additional sip we take brings our liver closer to failure. This drink is killing us.

In October, I was going crazy, not sleeping and stressing out about the election. Then the election happened and I felt like I could FINALLY take a deep breath and actually function again knowing that Trump wouldn’t be in the White House for another four disastrous years. I wanted to write about my thoughts and feelings regarding the Biden-Harris win, but there was a problem. The shit storm wasn’t over yet. We had to wait for all the states to certify their election results. And then we had to wait until all 60 lawsuits filed by the Trump administration claiming fraud were cleared and showed that the elections were indeed valid and that there was no evidence of cheating. In fact, the Department of Homeland Security said that this election was “the most secure in American history.” But Trump and his cult maintained that the election was rigged. Trump claimed he won and he wouldn’t concede. Trump indicated the fight wasn’t over and would never be over.

So my brain went back to being distracted, unsettled and agitated. Writing didn’t seem important and wasn’t a priority. Nothing was. My brain and body just felt like mush. So I turned my attention to the Holiday season for a much needed distraction. I figured, if I focus on something joyful, maybe I’ll be more joyful! But not surprisingly, I binge-ate my way through all the sugar I could find and no amount of holiday cheer or Christmas movies could shake the stress and turmoil of 2020. American citizens were still dying at record rates from Covid-19 while people on the far right still refused to believe the virus is even real. The idea of Trump being gone from the political scene was looking more and more like a pipe dream. And being quarantined in our house with my two toddlers was fun some of the time, but extremely taxing most of the time.

As a stay at home mom, I constantly feel guilty about not being a “rockstar” mom. I feel guilty that I can’t seem to put all my focus on my girls and create a schedule full of fun and educational activities and really relish every moment with them. It’s just not that easy to turn off all the distracting shit that’s constantly crashing around in my brain. I also wish I could be a better wife. But nothing feels romantic right now. My husband and I haven’t been on a date in almost a year. He’s pretty much the only adult I ever talk to since I no longer have a social life outside the home. And every time we actually try to talk, my girls get upset and interrupt us and even yell at us to stop talking. They seem to think my sole purpose on this earth is to be there for them and only them. I feel like a shell of my former self because I have no time to recharge. The most time I get away from the girls is a few hours when my husband takes them to the zoo or to a park. Because of the pandemic and risk of exposure, that’s pretty infrequent. Similarly, the only time I can get out of the house for some “me time” is when I go to the grocery store or Home Depot. To be clear, that’s not actually “me time,” but I still jump at the chance to get in the car and drive anywhere all by myself. It’s kind of all I have right now. It’s sad.

What’s more sad though is how much better off my family and I have it than a whole bunch of other people. True, my husband is a front line worker, and that’s stressful. But it’s also job security. He’s a nurse. During a pandemic the hospitals will always need nurses. (Although, ironically, they were furloughing nurses earlier this year because the hospitals were losing money since they had to cancel all of the non-emergency surgeries to make room for potential Covid patients. Now, hospitals need all the nurses they can get because hospitals all around the county are close to max capacity – due to Covid patients.) Another perk of my husband being a nurse is that on December 23rd he received his first Covid-19 vaccine. Best. Christmas. Gift. Ever! He gets his second shot in two days. There is finally a light at the end of the tunnel!

Speaking of Christmas, I should probably make a note about how ours went. My husband actually got to have Christmas day off – hooray! However, on his last shift before Christmas, December 23rd, he had a known Covid exposure at work. Per their policy, he would have to quarantine at home for 14 days. Worst. Christmas Gift. Ever. (Not really though, way better than a lot of scenarios, like actually getting Covid-19) Poor guy shed some tears over it because he was so frustrated. He was able to come out from our bedroom on Christmas morning and watch the girls open presents, but he had to wear a mask. Then it was back to the bedroom for him to stay away from us the rest of the day. We FaceTimed him for dinner. We did that every dinner for the next two weeks. Not what any of us were expecting or wanted. But oh, so very 2020. The silver lining to this was that during his isolation he pretty much redid the entire basement TV room. It was a project we started slowly the previous month, and the electrician had just finished installing the new lighting, so no time like the present to power through and get it done!

On December 27th I decided it was time to start my new healthy lifestyle because I had ballooned up to 165lbs during the past few months. The only time I weighed that much before was when I was pregnant. It’s about 20lbs more than I should be. Obviously binge-eating (and drinking, let’s be honest) hadn’t helped me feel better about life, so maybe getting healthy would. I lost 5lbs the first week but now three weeks later am still at about 159lbs. I’ve tried cutting sugar and drinking out, and adding at least an hour of exercise every day. Needless to say, the girls have been getting more screen time. And I have been feeling more mom guilt about that. It’s truly a vicious cycle. Anyway, I was doing pretty darn well the first week and a half. My husband’s quarantine was Dec. 24th – Jan 7th. Everything was starting to look up. New Year’s eve came and went and the girls slept through the fireworks – yay! 2021 was going to be a clean start. We were going to have a new president. Double yay!! If the Georgia run-off elections went the right way, we would actually have control of the Senate and be able to get shit done. FINALLY! I was feeling good about things. I was losing weight and getting in a better frame of mind. Vaccines were starting to be administered, so in a few months we might actually be able to expand our bubble and safely socialize with family. I was starting to feel optimistic for the first time in a really long time.

And then January 6th happened.

My husband and I had been pinned to our phones and listening to NPR non-stop on January 5th, eagerly awaiting the results of the Georgia runoff election. Both of the races were very tight, but it was looking good for the democratic candidates, Warnock and Ossoff. Results weren’t final on the 5th, but we went to bed hopeful. The next day we were still glued to the news and we finally got word that it was official – both of the democratic candidates had won and we would have control of the Senate. We were ecstatic! And then we were really confused. The news was quickly turning to a different event.

President Donald Trump held a “Save America” rally in D.C. on January 6th, the same day that Congress was confirming the electoral votes for the Biden-Harris win. It was slated to be a rally to convince Congress to overturn the election results. Roughly 30,000 people were expected to attend. This was a known event that had the potential to get violent. Considering the amount of demonstrations and protests that had happened in D.C. the last year, the city should’ve been prepared. They were not.

At one point during his speech, President Trump stated, “After this, we’re going to walk down and I’ll be there with you. We’re going to walk down. We’re going to walk down any one you want, but I think right here. We’re going walk down to the Capitol, and we’re going to cheer on our brave senators, and congressmen and women. We’re probably not going to be cheering so much for some of them because you’ll never take back our country with weakness. You have to show strength, and you have to be strong.” It should be noted that the crowd did exactly what he said, and walked to the Capitol when he finished his speech. It should also be noted that he did not, however, go with them as he said he would. *bold added by me for emphasis.

At about one hour and eleven minutes into his speech he says, “And we fight. We fight like Hell and if you don’t fight like Hell, you’re not going to have a country anymore.”

He finished his speech with this:

Donald Trump: (01:12:43)
“So we’re going to, we’re going to walk down Pennsylvania Avenue, I love Pennsylvania Avenue, and we’re going to the Capitol and we’re going to try and give… The Democrats are hopeless. They’re never voting for anything, not even one vote. But we’re going to try and give our Republicans, the weak ones, because the strong ones don’t need any of our help, we’re going to try and give them the kind of pride and boldness that they need to take back our country.”

Donald Trump: (01:13:19)
“So let’s walk down Pennsylvania Avenue. I want to thank you all. God bless you and God bless America. Thank you all for being here, this is incredible. Thank you very much. Thank you.”

As noted above, the crowd then descended upon the Capitol. Once there, they did the unthinkable: they stormed their way in while Congress was in session. Thankfully, all of the congressmen and women were able to retreat to safety before the mob entered the chamber room where the vote had been taking place. These people who call themselves “patriots” committed federal crimes by forcing their way into our most sacred of all government buildings to try and do what the President commanded them to do: prevent the electoral votes from getting counted. To put more bluntly: to deny the democratic process from taking place. Or, as Merriam-Webster would define it: Insurrection “an act or instance of revolting against civil authority or an established government.”

So yeah, although 2021 ushered in a new year, we are still dealing with the same insanity of Donald Trump and his cult supporters. Unfortunately, I think we will be dealing with the fallout from him for a very long time. I can only hope that we have finally reached rock bottom and can start to peal ourselves up off the floor and get to work on our recovery.

I will end with these quotes about addiction recovery that seem particularly appropriate right now:

“I understood myself only after I destroyed myself. And only in the process of fixing myself, did I know who I really was.” – Anonymous

“Recovery is an acceptance that your life is in shambles and you have to change.” – Anonymous

“I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy, I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it.” – Anonymous

These last four years have been terrible. We’ve been downing the Whiskey Sours with bottom shelf whiskey and a kind of sour that lingers much longer than it should. But this reign of racism and stupidity is nearly over. In a few days Trump will no longer be our president and then the great hangover can commence. These last four years in a raging, drunken stupor have given us a very clear picture of many, many things we need to work on. We can accept that our country is in shambles and get to work on making major changes. We know it won’t be easy. But I absolutely believe it will be worth it.