We’ve been listening to a lot of Pink Floyd in our house this last year. One of the songs that really resonates right now is “Time” from the Dark Side of the Moon album. It seems like so much of the last two years has been spent, “ticking away the moments that make up a dull day . . . ” Though so many of our days are repetitive and seemingly dull, it’s pretty astounding just how much has happened since this pandemic descended upon us.

I will say that 2021 has been much better overall than 2020. That first year, so much of the time was spent in fear. Fear of the unknown, such as: what is this new virus? How bad is it? How many people are going to die? How do I protect my family, myself and my friends? But there was also a very real fear of the known: Trump. Last year we had so much to think about, and stress about. There was a constant barrage of information regarding the virus and the election. And everything felt like it was life and death, because in a pandemic, for many people it is exactly that.

It’s hard to adequately explain how taxing it is to second guess everything you do. Like, is it safe to have a playdate outside with multiple kids under 5? How bad is it really if they don’t keep their masks on? Is it more important for my kids to get interaction and development by being social with other kids, or to keep them totally isolated and safe from the virus? My sister had her first child last year and delivered at just 27 weeks. I won’t even get into all of the mind F’s she has had to deal with when navigating a pandemic with an extreme premie, but one of the things that she is very concerned about is her daughter’s development. She wants to make sure her daughter is learning and doing things at the appropriate time, just like any other parent would, but I would argue there is more scrutiny when you have a premie because you’re always worried that your child might be delayed or have a harder time keeping up. So one of the major concerns for my sister has been mask wearing around her daughter. She wants her daughter to be able to see people’s entire faces and learn about language and expressions. But a mask will help keep her daughter safe from the virus . . . but data suggests that kids are typically fine when the get Covid-19 . . . but her daughter has a potentially comprised immune system since she was born premature. . . soooo . . . . what does she do? What are her priorities? How the hell are is anyone supposed to make these decisions when we are living in a climate where you can’t trust anything anyone says? Which brings me back to why 2020 was so terrible.

By that time, Trump had been in office three full years, and spent much of those years tearing down the media. So when the pandemic hit, in a time when the public most needs to be able to have a source of information they can trust, most of his followers wouldn’t believe anything that didn’t come directly from his mouth or one of his tweets. Even that might have been ok if Trump had been a mouthpiece for the scientific and public health community, but unfortunately that would require that he admit other people are either smarter than or know more than he does about something, and he was unwilling to put his people before his ego. Thus, we were told by the President of the United States that the medical community should look into injecting disinfectant into the human body as a way of stopping the virus. No, he wasn’t joking. And he said things like this all. the. time. Needless to say, it was mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting having him as the Captain of our ship as we sailed through some of the most turbulent waters in the history of our nation. Thankfully, Trump was voted out, though certainly not without an insurrection a fight.

Things turned around pretty quickly for me mentally after Biden was inaugurated. There were no more ridiculous daily tweets that would spike my heart rate. But more importantly, there was a vaccine. Mind you, this was the same vaccine that the Trump administration had been working on and promoting as the thing that would allow us to re-open and magically make this virus go away. The vaccine that would allow us to get to herd immunity. And thankfully for us, because we are a wealthy country that puts America First above all other nations, we were able to get stockpiles of the vaccine as soon as it became available. That meant my husband, as a nurse who works directly with Covid-19 patients, was able to get his first dose of the vaccine on December 23rd, 2020. Both of our parents were able to get their vaccines in early 2021, and I got my final dose on April 30th, 2021. I remember having this huge wave of relief wash over me once I was finally fully vaccinated. I got Moderna, and the second dose definitely took me out for a day. But it was worth it. Feeling my body react meant my body was learning to protect itself. Now I am just waiting for my kids to get vaccinated and then I will feel totally comfortable getting back to a more social life. It’s hard to have hope though, because it often feels like this Pandemic is never going to end.

I feel like I need to be cautious about being hopeful because every time we think we’re going to be able to beat this thing, it just keeps going. We thought that once the vaccines came out that everyone would race to get them because everyone wanted things to go back to normal. When the vaccines were approved for emergency use in late 2020, I finally felt like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Things were finally, really getting better. 2020 legitimately felt like the End of Times. It was hard to sleep. It was difficult to have coherent thoughts. My body often ached in my neck and shoulders. The amount of daily stress that everyone was dealing with was indescribable. But a huge weight was lifted for me when Trump was voted out of office in November of 2020. And then, another huge weight was lifted in 2021 when the vaccines became available. We saw the light. There was hope. But then, the tunnel caved in. Turns out, there are a whole lot of people in the good ‘ole U.S. of A. who are able to “do their own research” and have concluded that, although they want things to open up and get back to normal, they aren’t willing to get the vaccine in order to make that happen.

Currently, most of the adults I know are vaccinated, which has made it so much more comfortable to feel like we can hang out a little bit. Summer 2021 at my parents’ cabin was so much better than 2020. We didn’t have to worry that every time my daughters saw their grandparents, that they might get too close and unknowingly give them Covid. That was one of my husband’s and my biggest fears. We know that if we get Covid, we will likely be ok. But the worst case scenario was that if we got it and spread it to any of our parents, that it would be fatal for them. Before the vaccine, that was a very real possibility. But the data is in and clearly shows that when vaccinated, adults our parents’ ages, and even with their many co-morbidities are extremely unlikely to die or even need to be hospitalized if they catch Covid-19. This was huge. Now, we finally felt comfortable hugging again. It’s hard to articulate how strange it is having to explain to young children why they can’t hug their grandparents, and why their grandparents can’t hug them. That first summer we were terrified to go inside at the cabin at all if my parents were in there, but this summer we didn’t really worry about it. My parents were protected and my husband and I were protected, and none of us really came into contact with many other people. Ironically, the biggest threat comes from my sister with the premie daughter, who has opted not to get vaccinated. Since the vaccines became available she has been “too busy” or “she needs work to settle down before she can take a day off in case the shot affects her.” I don’t want to delve too deeply into my thoughts on this particular case, but I will say that for sure the biggest stressor of 2021 is the Anti-Vax movement.

I have tried to have compassion and understand where people are coming from that opt not to get vaccinated, but it’s so difficult when the perspective my family has is that of my husband, the ICU nurse who frequently takes care of those who are dying of Covid-19. He has seen the trends first hand. Before there was a vaccine, he was primarily taking care of people older than 50. Often they were overweight or had other major health issues that made them particularly susceptible to succumbing to Covid-19. After the vaccines were widely distributed, the demographic changed. Now he sees people of all ages and varying levels of health. The one thing the patients that get hospitalized for Covid have in common now is that they are unvaccinated.

Needless to say, we take it a little more personally than most when the topic of the vaccine comes up. One of the biggest arguments we hear for not getting vaccinated is that “statistically my kids and I aren’t likely to die from it, it is just like the flu.” Or, “I have a strong immune system and trust that my body will be fine.” These arguments kill me because of their overt selfishness. Sure, you might be fine, but you’re still spreading it to people who might not be fine if they get it. Also, you might not be fine. We keep seeing stories (that the Right wing claims are all Scare Tactics and thinks the media needs to stop reporting on them) about healthy parents in their 30s-40s who come down with Covid and die, leaving their kids behind. To me, that tiny risk of leaving your children parentless is absolutely not worth it. Just get vaccinated already.

Then you get the Freedom argument. Many counties and companies have recently put vaccine mandates into place stipulating that their employees must get vaccinated or lose their job. Interestingly, a very large proportion of those who are unvaccinated are Public Servants in jobs that taxpayers are funding, such as Firefighters or Police Officers. They would rather lose their job to stand up for their “right to a freedom of choice” when it comes to the vaccine. So these people, who literally are employed to help ensure the freedom and safety of the population at large, are refusing a vaccine that would help protect the population at large. Get off your high horse and get vaccinated already.

The argument I find most compelling is the fear of Government and Big Business. We as a nation just spent four years under a President who hammered home the notion that you can’t trust anyone or anything except Him (Trump, not God . . . though I’m pretty sure Trump thinks they’re one ant the same). There is a lot of information that people need in order to make an informed decision, but how can you possibly get that information if you can’t trust where it’s coming from? Trump attacked and tore down the Intellectual Elite because he was never, and would never, be a part of that club. Now, we are relying on those very Intellectuals of the scientific and medical community to tell us what to do to pull through this pandemic, and the Trump followers won’t believe a word that they are saying. Because he told them not to. While I certainly don’t like the stance these people are taking, I can at least understand how and why they got there. But still, just get vaccinated already.

I am sure there are many other reasons why people are opting out of the vaccination, but the above mentioned are the major ones that stand out to me and that I find extremely frustrating. But aside from being frustrated about how others are acting, this pandemic has made me so frustrated at myself and and at my own reactions to things.

For instance, I am now at the point where once my kids are vaccinated, I want a new super deadly and super contagious strain to emerge that will take out anyone who is unvaccinated and unmasked. I wish this strain was smart and could tell who is immunocompromised and can’t get vaccinated because they have cancer or some other ailment and the virus would bypass them. I want this variant to just go after all of those who have the ‘stupid’ gene, or the ‘freedom’ gene, or the ‘I’m smarter than the entire medical community so I don’t need to listen to them’ gene. Let Darwin really do it’s work and remove the people who are threatening the future safety of the human race. Because let’s face it, we got lucky that this pandemic wasn’t a more deadly virus.

I’ve often thought it would’ve been much better if Covid-19 did something that would visually maim people or make men impotent. If it were less deadly but would leave people with scars all over their faces or would mess with men’s sense of masculinity, then you know most people would be lining up to get whatever vaccine was available. Appeal to their vanity, not their sense of community, and people will respond. This pandemic has shown us that considering the needs of the community above the needs of the the self is not something a large portion Americans are willing to do. But we already knew that, just look at our lack of gun reform in the wake of the mass shootings we frequently get here. But that’s another topic for another post. Getting back to the frustrating aspects of the pandemic; specifically that I am finding more and more unsavory sides of myself.

The fact that I want anti-vexers and anti-maskers to get really sick and hopefully die from Covid isn’t something I’m proud of. But it’s how I legitimately feel. I am that angry. I also have strong feelings of resentment towards family members and friends who have acted questionably during this pandemic. I don’t just mean their views on the vaccines. I understand that people all react differently to stress and we need to give grace and try to be as understanding as possible, but sometimes the things people do or the decisions they make and how they impact me and my family are hard not to take personally. Their behavior and my gut reaction to it makes it extremely difficult for me to behave civilly towards them, and I certainly don’t want to be around them. But I wish I wasn’t like that. I wish I wasn’t in such a negative frame of mind about so many things. I wish I was a better person, more able to forgive and empathize. I wish there were a lot of things about myself that I could change. For example, another challenge I have encountered during the isolation is my tendency to cope with stress by eating.

I have always loved food, and I have always eaten for comfort during periods of stress. Eating really delicious, unhealthy food makes me happy. But it also makes me gain a lot of weight. And since I’m home and stressed ALL. THE. TIME., I am also eating ALL. THE. TIME. By December of 2020 I had gained 20 lbs. A year later and I’ve managed to drop 10 lbs., but I can’t seem to get under that mark. Or once I do, I celebrate by having a cheat day, that turns into a cheat week, that spikes me right back up again. It’s a vicious cycle. I try to give myself some grace and understand that this is a unique time and there will be plenty of years in the future to lose the weight and get back to where I feel more comfortable with myself. But the truth is, it’s mentally and emotionally taxing to be so disappointed in myself with how I’m handling this stress. And that negative emotion colors how I behave and it just leads to more negativity in how I approach everything throughout the day. But I don’t want to be negative and grumpy, especially not around my kids. I don’t want them to have to carry any of the stress from this time. From the very beginning, I made it my goal that 10 or 20 years from now, when asked about how the lockdowns and living through the pandemic affected them, I want my girls to remember it as a really happy time. Since I stay home with them, it’s up to me to set the tone. But I need some serious “me time” and space in order to not be a grouchy monster, so unfortunately, that has translated into a lot more screen time for them.

I used to try and keep them to one hour of screen time a day. That later turned into two. Now it’s whatever we need in a given day to keep us calm. But this increase in screen time makes me feel really guilty. So again, I’m in a vicious cycle where I am trying to balance the collective needs of our family and the needs I have for myself, but there is no right, or easy answer. It reminds me a lot of the stress that came along with trying to breastfeed. All the data and media campaigns indicated that “breast is best.” So we tried desperately to exclusively breastfeed our firstborn. But then we started supplementing with formula while continuing to stress about getting her to drink directly from the breast and then I would pump like crazy to get stockpiles of milk. There was so much pressure to do it right and the stress of it all was driving me insane. Eventually we came to accept the idea that a happy, less stressed mother is more important for our baby than breastmilk. She was going to be fed no matter what. She was going to be cared for and nourished no matter what. We needed to make sure she felt loved, no matter what. We needed to make sure she was getting my happy hormones, and a sense of calm and joy from me, not just tension and anxiety. And that’s where I am again today. When the girls aren’t watching shows, they don’t leave me alone and I can’t get anything done. I get snappy and lose my temper. I think it’s more important for us to be living in a calm household where we are all as happy as we can be, given the circumstances. If that means more screen time than I would like, so be it. On the flip side, I think my girls probably get more time outside than the average children their ages do because three days a week they attend outdoor preschool. This has absolutely been one of the greatest silver linings of the pandemic.

When the pandemic started, Jojo went to an indoor, all-day daycare for two days a week. She LOVED this school and made great friends and learned a lot while there. I was excited for Jackie to go when she turned two. But when the pandemic hit, we temporarily had Jojo stay home until things settled down. We continued to pay her full tuition to help make sure the teachers could still get a paycheck. After two months doing this and the national infection rate and death toll numbers going in the wrong direction, we decided to pull her from the school indefinitely. But as the months went on and on in isolation, we began to get nervous about her development and lack of social interaction. Towards the end of summer 2020, one of our good friends who has a son three days older than Jojo told us that she was going to enroll her son in an outdoor school and that we should join too. The school would be held at a nearby forest and the kids would go Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 8:30 – 12:30. Everyone would wear masks, would get their temperatures checked before getting out of their car, and all family members would need to be symptom free for students to attend. It sounded like the safest option we would be able to find. I had looked into outdoor schools before the pandemic but they weren’t the right fit at that point; if we were going to be paying for our girls to be in preschool, I wanted them there the whole day. But priorities shifted during the pandemic and this has turned out to be the single best thing that has happened in the last two years. Jackie started attending this September of 2021. It was her first time ever being away from me. It was her first time being around other kids and other adults and learning to navigate in the world without me. Thankfully, she has her wonderful sister to help her learn and feel safe, but she adjusted better and quicker than I ever would have imagined. I could do an entire post (and probably will soon) on all the amazing benefits outdoor school has to offer kids. I am just so thankful that in a time of great trouble, stress and hardship, my kids will look back and remember all of the time they spent playing in the forest, letting their imaginations run wild.

There have been other good things that have come out of this hard time too. I know it’s hard for me to feel it sometimes in the moment, but I am certain that when I look back I will get to appreciate the sheer quantity of time I got to spend with my children while they were young. I have been able to see every single new development and bit of learning that each of them has gone through. I know my girls deeper than I ever could have if they had been spending more time at an all day preschool or jumping around from one scheduled event to another. Another positive thing that has come out of this time has been my much deeper understanding of the privilege my family and I share.

The Black Lives Matter movement and demonstrations of 2020 really opened my eyes to the systemic racism that people of color have to deal with. While the disparities in how different races are treated in society is a negative thing, it’s positive that my eyes have been opened more about it because I want my children to be good people, living in Truth as much as possible. This means believing in science and trusting in those who devote their lives to research and truth in medicine, because when a pandemic rolls around, that trust can save your, and other people’s lives. This also means believing in and learning about the Truth when it comes to the history of our nation and its people. The truth that although all lives are created equal, they are not yet treated equally in our society. I want my girls to push back when they see things that aren’t right, not just accept the status quo. Growing up, there were things I never really saw in regards to racism because I was never asked to take a good look. I knew there was racism, but I never knew that I was a part of it. The BLM movement was positive for me because I am actually trying to educate myself and read anything and everything I can on the topic, and also anything written by a person of color in general. I am actively trying to support Black owned businesses whenever possible and am making sure my girls have books to read that are written by and/or feature people of color, not just white princess getting rescued by a white prince. Knowledge is power, and the more knowledge my family and I can gain on this topic, the more powerful we will be in helping to make things better for everyone in the future.

The future is hard for me to think about right now though because there have just been so many drastic ups and downs in the recent past. It feels like every time we get excited about something, life throws us another curve ball. With the rollout of the vaccines we were starting to get really excited about spending a lot more time with family. Once all the kids were vaccinated, we wanted to take a big vacation with my husband’s side of the family so we could make up for lost time and make special memories together once we were all safe to do so. But then, very suddenly and unexpectedly, Jon’s mother had a massive stroke and left this world forever. After two years of riding this rickety, dangerous rollercoaster of a pandemic that has tested our resolve, tested our ability to love and trust others, and tested our ability to just hold on to make it through, it feels like we hit a bend in the track too fast and got derailed. We are now free falling and can’t see the ground. We’re hoping we’ll land on our two feet in a place that we know, but for now we are in an uncomfortable fog that is terribly bitter to breathe in. During this slow, unsteady descent I am left thinking about all of the moments we were robbed of with her, of all the time my daughters didn’t get and will never again get to spend with their grandmother, and of how terribly lonely my husband will feel without her in his life. I can never make that hurt go away or fill that now vacant space in him. So now, here we are again, back in a very bleak mental space.

It is just so hard not to focus on the negative. It’s hard not to think about all of the things that we are all missing out on. Holidays have been extra quiet and we are always wishing we could be with our extended family. But maybe it will make us appreciate it that much more when we get to celebrate that way in the future. We are sad about all of the friends we don’t see anymore and are losing contact with. But maybe it’s better for us to focus on being closer with those we really connect with. Maybe we were spreading ourselves too thin before. Or maybe we’ll go back to where we left off with the old friendships and the next time we see them it will be like coming home.

I know it’s ok to have negative thoughts and to acknowledge them. To try to process them and work through them. The fears and frustrations of this time are very real. The mental and emotional toll these years are taking are very real. We feel robbed of precious time we didn’t get to spend with people, and it’s hard not to be bitter about it. It’s hard not to think about what might have been if it weren’t for this virus. It’s hard not to dwell on the negative, because we see and experience so much of it around us. But, it’s important to hold on to all of the positives and highlight them as much and as often as we can. Yes, people are having a a hard time right now, but I’ve seen the community come together to help one another in very heartwarming ways. I’ve seen the first female voted in as Vice President. I’ve seen my 5 year old turn into a mature little kid with a brilliant mind and vibrant personality. She loves learning and has taught herself to read and write with very little input from me or her father. She had four teeth pulled the day after her 5th birthday and she was so brave and handled it like a champ; meanwhile I nearly passed out just sitting in a chair in the room with her. Our little baby, Jackie, has bloomed into a rambunctious and hilarious cuddly three year old. She is learning so much, so fast. And she had been doing it with just her immediate family to help her for the most part. Seeing how well she copes to new situations has been so heartwarming. One of my major fears was that because she has been exposed to so much less than her older sister was in terms of social and intellectual and even physical activities that it would negatively affect her development. I was scared that because she was isolated so much more than her sister that it would have a big impact on her ability to adjust to any outside stimulus. But Jackie has merely proved how resilient children truly are. We recently had parent teacher conferences from her outdoor school and they said Jackie is super sweet and is the class cheerleader, always encouraging the other students and eager to help make others happy. Hearing these positive things said about my children reminds me that there is always so much good going on in the world and there are wonderful things I should be giving my energy to, rather than dwelling on the bad.

So that is what I will try to do. Keep an eye out for the good in every day. Find something beautiful in nature to appreciate. Know that even when things are bad, they will get better. Even if I get mad or yell, I can apologize and find ways to move forward. We are all just trying to get through this together; and I know we will do just that. One day we will be hanging out with a group of friends or family and we will think that perhaps this is finally the beginning of the next chapter. That we will be able to take a collective sigh together, and to take a big hug together, and know that we dug our way out of the tunnel and made it out to the light on the other side. Together.