Not really. Or at least, hopefully not. But the bone/s in my lower left leg have been aching recently and it feels super strange, so of course I’ve convinced myself that this is really it. I must have bone cancer or Leukemia because I searched on Google and I have some of the symptoms that Google listed and Google is always right. Right?!

God, I hope not.

Ultimately, I’m just frustrated and fed up of something always being wrong with my body since the beginning of 2019. Seriously.

In January and February I was dealing with a crazy cough that practically split my ribs. The pain still hasn’t gone away in one of my ribs. Not happy about it. Then in March my lower back went out and I was convinced I was going to need surgery because my mom had back surgery at some point after she had kids. My back pain eventually went away but by mid May I got a freak ear infection and my eustachian tube was all clogged and I couldn’t hear right for over a month. It is only just now feeling normal. So currently my leg is having strange pains and all I can think is that my body has a suppressed immune system (because of cancer – definitely not because just having another baby and still not sleeping through the night) and that’s why I keep getting all these ailments that I am normally immune to.

My husband, the nurse, is tolerating my paranoia very well. He is probably getting tired of me freaking out and always assuming the worst. But here’s the thing; the worst often seems to happen to me.

In 2007 right after I graduated college, I got these massive blood clots that went from my vena cava (the giant vein that carries deoxygenated blood from the lower half of the body to the right atrium of the heart) all the way down both legs. Fully clotted. One doctor said if they couldn’t clear the clots then they would probably have to amputate both legs to try and stop the clotting. The Dr. also said that even amputation might not stop the clotting, in which case I would basically just die. Thankfully, after several procedures, a month in the ICU with an incredible team of experts, and over $250,000 later (thank GOD I had catastrophic insurance) I was finally cleared and on my way to recovery.

In 2011 while traveling in Thailand I managed to catch Dengue Fever. That was not fun. It’s nick named the “break bone” fever for a reason. My bones honestly felt like they were getting squeezed in huge metal a vice.

Then, with pregnancy my first ended up as an emergency c-section and my second I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. These aren’t life threatening or as drastic as the other events in my life; but it was still a little ding that I wasn’t able to carry or deliver completely naturally or healthily.

So now, my brain tends to go to the dark side. I used to be of the mind set that I was a healthy person and that I should only go to a doctor if absolutely necessary. But waiting so long to seek help when I had the blood clots is part of what made them so incredibly bad. Had I gone in earlier it’s possible that we could have resolved everything non-invasively.

I should also mention that my husband Jon’s mom had cancer (she survived : ) and she is quick to mention that she had to be her own advocate. She always got second opinions because her initial doctor failed to diagnose the cancer and she knew something was wrong.

Thankfully, I have a wellness visit scheduled for next week, so I will try not to be too crazy, but I do want to make sure I get a conclusive answer as to what is wrong. At the very least, a difinative “no” that I do NOT have cancer 🙂

But until that time, my brain can’t quite escape the notion that this might really be it. So instead of following my diet and avoiding alcohol when alone, I am sitting here sipping on a delightful red blend called “Hopes End.” Believe it or not, it was the first one I grabbed from our wine rack. I am trusting that this is just the Universe trying to make a joke for me.

Hilarious.

I will check back in on this post next week when I know more. Until then – happy drinking and may we all not have cancer.

Update #1

I’m not dying. At least, not from leg cancer. Phew! I had my Dr. appointment in June and the good news was she took x-rays and confirmed that everything looks normal. The bad news is that it’s now mid-July and my leg still doesn’t feel any better.

I have an appointment tomorrow at the UW Sports Medicine clinic so am hoping to have more answers as to what is going on. I really need to have a plan for how to move forward with this and get recovered so I can start running again. I also need to stop using it as an excuse for not exercising. Time to start getting active!!! Even if that just means doing ab workouts and nothing else. Anything is better than nothing.

But as a SAHM it’s so rare that I have downtime to just do nothing, so when a tiny break of time does happen it just feels so goddamn good to relax! One of the many Catch 22s of life. . . not unlike the delightful quote from Fat Bastard, “I’m unhappy because I eat, and I eat because I’m unhappy!”

Update #2

I’m definitely not dying. According to the PT I just have really bad shin splints. Soooooo, I officially have had to do other types of exercising besides running. And when I get back into running, I have to do it slowly. This is going to be quite a challenge, but I’ve been doing pretty well so far. It is now the second week of August and I’ve been going on walks that incorporate slightly longer intervals of running each day. For example, the first day was walk 4 mins, run 1 min, walk 4 mins, run 1 min. Do this for 15 mins. The next day was the same interval but do this for 20 mins. Then the interval changed to walk 4 mins, run 2 mins. I have been pretty good about sticking to this, and today did an interval of walk 4, run 3 for a total of about 35 mins. So far I am feeling pretty good!

I have also started doing workout videos that I find online. Mostly I have just done pilates, but I did a HIIT workout the other day that was killer! It’s pretty amazing what you can find for free out there, and these classes are legit! I am learning new moves and targeting muscles that I rarely use when left to my own exercise routines.

The bottom line is, because of all the physical setbacks I’ve had this year, I have been forced to become more healthy in a well rounded way than I perhaps was before. When running a lot, I could cheat on eating and get away with putting more garbage in my body. I may have looked in shape, but my insides probably showed a very different story. However, the last few months I have had to rely on diet in order to manage my weight. Surprisingly, I have been able to get to within 5 pounds of my target goal. That being said, it’s clear to me that without at least 30 minutes of solid exercise a day, I will neither look nor feel the way that I want to.

One of the things I am missing the most about running is the incredible stress release that it provides. When I’m on a long jog and am in shape and feeling good, I really can find my zen. It’s been nearly impossible for me to get that feeling at any other time. Maybe once in a while in the garden when I see something truly striking it will take my breath away and make me thankful for that wonderful moment. But I am determined to take it slowly, do my stretching and strength training and hopefully be back to running by September. Because if you’re from the PNW then you know; there is no more beautiful time of the year for a run then in September.